I haven’t written about my thoughts/feelings in a while and I feel like I should do so to get a few things off my chest. I know this is a public forum and anyone can read this, which I am ok with. I’m not trying to hide anything.
I’ve been having issues lately regarding residual issues from almost 2 years ago. When the conversation was had about my ex-husband not wanting to have children, and thus the divorce topic was brought up, I lost a lot of who I was. I put everything I had into my marriage and loved my husband more than anything I had up until I met him, so, naturally, I was crushed. But less than a year after our marriage ended, he was already re-married to a woman with a child, bought a house and had their own child together. This makes me feel two different ways. First, I am overjoyed that he could find someone he wanted to start a family with and be happy. I am nothing but proud of him and all of his accomplishments and wish NOTHING but the best for his life. But I also feel sadness that I could not be good enough for him to want to share our lives together in that way. Since then, I have felt pretty lost. I got in a few relationships. No, I wouldn’t even call them that. I dated a few people, but nothing was serious. But then I came upon 2 friends who were also going through rough times in their marriage, which they chose to end. Knowing how difficult it was for me to go through my divorce alone, I wanted to help them. Both of them, because I didn’t want them to feel the deep sorrows I had felt. Well one friend accepted my help and the other didn’t (I was not offended), but seeing as the male in the relationship asked for help, rumors began swarming around town. Stories were being fabricated that were just that. Fiction. Words were being said about me that rocked me to my core. I was trying to be a good person. Instead I was called ‘fat’, ‘a whore’, in one instance, a woman said that ‘I wouldn’t be alive’ if she were in the situation. Interesting, since nobody asked for the truth, they all followed the leader in this and believed that I was a home-wrecking fat slob…on the contrary. I have too much respect for these 2 people and would NEVER have done anything to terminate their relationship. I would never ever EVER in my life do that to someone else, as I was, at the time, dealing with my ex moving in with his now wife. I will not dive into what was going on with the other side of this story because it is not my place and I will not create my own rumors and stories on what happened. All I will say is that I hope the other person involved is at peace in her life and can continue being the strong woman I know she can be for her family.
However, I will say this. After all was said and done and things ended and people moved out/moved on, etc something began. It was not definable because it never was anything in particular. It just was. But a lot of my lack of self confidence stems from my life last summer. Feeling like I was not good enough for this person was hard. Worrying that they didn’t want to be in a relationship with me due to this that and the other took its toll. To the point where one day in October I decided to end things. End whatever it was in hopes of moving on and not feeling worthless.
I met someone new. Someone different. Someone amazing. But I fucked it all up in the long run. I fucked up a lot of things in my life since my miscarriage. My desire to settle down, to live the ‘American Dream’ of the husband the house the kids the 2 car garage, the white picket fence is so strong, and yet my ability to commit to anyone is not even there. I am SO terrified of ruining another relationship, that as soon as I get close to someone, I run away. in the other direction. as fast as I can. I have made the life that I live and I have nobody to blame but myself. But my question/struggle is this: how do I move on? How to I grow and learn and get passed all of this? How to I regain confidence in myself? I feel like I have failed so many people, including myself, that I cannot feel/accept love anymore. I know there are those in this world who love me. That is something that I do not doubt, but me allowing myself to let love in is unacceptable. The walls are built up so high, that I do not want to let anyone inside. I feel as if I am ugly. I am fat. I am worthless. I over work myself to the point of mental and physical exhaustion. I have pushed away many people. Became a hermit. For what purpose?I hope one day I can feel beautiful. Feel confident. Like what I do in this life matters to someone.